Tuesday, April 29, 2008

in a funk.

let me start by saying that i am more than thankful for the ideology behind the phrase "april showers bring may flowers." once, my friend bethany asked me what may flowers bring, and i responded, "pilgrims." she thought i was clever. clever i am; however, i stole that answer from a bubblegum wrapper.

back to the "funk" this post's title eludes to.
nothing is particularly wrong. don't worry yourself on my behalf. still, nothing is particularly right. maybe this "funk," this unrest, stems from the uncertainty i seem to be swimming in:

graduate school. no graduate school.
pursue. wait to be pursued.
step out in faith. wait in what is comfortable.
is it You? is it me?

daily i struggle with disbelief. i believe Christ's words to be true. i rest in His promises and am thankful for His sacrifice. yet, i know too well the face of disbelief. it shows itself in restlessness, heartache, worry, and regret. where is my peace? where is my belief when i find myself struggling with decisions yet to be made? the cry of my heart is like that of the father in mark, chapter 9.

"Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief." Mark 9:24

and so i wait. i will wait for the flowers that april promises to bring. and, who knows what may flowers will bring. maybe pilgrims... maybe so much more.

Monday, April 28, 2008


my sisters and i made the three-hour journey to oklahoma city on saturday, and as we waited for the concert to begin, we were able to catch a pre-concert glimpse of the band. we got to listen to and see the bands do their sound check, and later on, we watched needtobreathe play a friendly game of golf before the big show. it was all quite exciting. the three of us were first in line, and we got great spots on the front row. bear, the lead singer, caught my eyes and held them for several seconds at a time. we no doubt had a connection. here's to connections, and here's to needtobreathe. cheers!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

a mess of nothingness.

this post has the potential of becoming a mess of nothingness. still, i type on...

last night i got a phone call from a friend i haven't talked to in eight years. one would think that might be awkward, but it wasn't in the slightest. we talked for nearly 90 minutes, and at times we were talking over each other as if we couldn't get the words out fast enough. i'm a lover of surprises, my favorite kind being an unexpected note or call, and the dialogue i shared with my friend last night was not only unexpected but really good. i think i'll make it my goal this week to surprise someone else in my life... if a random note or call will make someone else as happy as the call i received last night made me, then i think it's worth the effort.

...and so this post becomes the mess of nothingness i mentioned earlier...

driving home from work today i followed a school bus for several miles. typically the stop-and-go drive would have been frustrating, but i had good music on and lots to ponder. each time the bus stopped i waited to see who would emerge from the yellow beast. let me just say, little kids are cute! one boy in particular stepped off the bus only to immediately put on a baseball cap. i watched as he wobbled across the highway with his book bag obviously making his attempt at speed quite difficult. the bag was four times the size of his little head that was lost somewhere inside his Atlanta Braves cap. although his entire journey from bus to front door consisted of me hoping aloud that he didn't topple over, it was by far the cutest thing i saw all day.

...one more piece of nothingness that really is somethingness and then i'll stop...

this month's issue of a magazine i read often had a great article called Love Rules, a synopsis of the art of submission. the information in it was really good and applicable to our relationship with God and with others. i underlined a few lines that really made sense to me:

Submission is active. It's not a passive resignation but a purposeful OK. It means we no longer live for ourselves. -- Beth Clayton Luthye

isn't that good? it makes submission seem attainable, even enjoyable. so often we're taught (girls specifically) that to submit we must sit back and let someone else do the talking, the decision-making, the everything. but luthye says submission is active. submission means you are still a part of the work at hand... it's purposeful. i like that.